Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Final Report of the Commission On the Causes and Manifestations of Divergent Think Procedure Concerning the Origin of the Apoetheosis of Organized Rhyme Throughout the Anglosphere delivered its findings to the Poetburo of the Peoples Republic of Poetry last month. It was released to the public at an impress conference held this morning in the grand chambers of the House of Uncommons.
The 392-year investigation conducted by generations of Rhyme Scheme Investigators from the Creative Intelligence Anarchy, (CIA) declared that Shakespeare, was the undisputed “Poetriarch of organized rhyme.” They compiled considerable cause to support the centuries’ old contention that Shakespeare had attempted to conceal his involvement in rhyme.
“The CIA does not deliver any new material to the light of day,” said Wally Keeler, Poetician 1 of the Peoples Republic of Poetry, “A re-examination of all the poetagonists and accessories to Shakespeare’s prolific rhymes did bring a refreshing new perception to his activities. Shakespeare knew exactly what he was doing when he was committing these rhymes. Fortunately for English literature, his attempts to cover-up his iambiguity activities failed.”
The Final Report, unlike Interim Reports I thru LXVII, focussed exclusively on the primary evidence of 154 sonnets. Shakespeare committed most of his rhymes in sonnets.
The Report declared that “Shakespeare's poetency was so fecund that his rhyme schemantra of ABAB CDCD EFEF GG became the stanza operating procedure that pollened through the ages by swarms of ambitious little pick-poets bent on rhyme-sprees of poetical proportions. Generations of poets became addicted to the form, trafficking it through countless anthologies and chapbooks that eventually found their way into school systems. The Sonnet came to bear his name and dominated all other sonnet rhyme schemantras. This rhyme-spree eventually lost its pre-eminent position when a school of literatistas implemented a Rhyme-Stoppers program by importing outside agitators, especially vers libre from the francophonie.”
Poet Keeler extolled the breaking of the grip of this rhyme family. “Shakespeare remains omnipoetent. His poetry prevails. That was never the problem. It was the unrelenting collateral damage from his white lace collar rhymes that began to choke creativity; it was that which needed addressing. Vers Libre liberated the Imagine Nation of Poetry.”
“Thankfully, most pulp friction relating to the rhyme-a-dozen ilk found a place at the local Five & Rhyme of the greeting card industry, instead of in the literary circles and triangles of the modern age.”
Emerging poet, Jim Johnstone, questioned the Final Report, asserting that it “…appears to be nothing more than a War on Rhyme. Rap revivals of recent years have found a new and vibrant niche for African-American rhyme families. The prevalence of White Anglo-Saxon Poetestants has exhausted itself. The Final Report is nothing more than a autopsyturvy of ye olde case rhymes."
Poet Keeler said the Peoples Republic of Poetry has “no exclusionist or segregationist policy concerning rhyme. We are aware that African-American rhyme families are currently on the crest of a new rhyme wave. We exclude nothing from our domain in the Imagine Nation except mediocrity.”
The Final Report went on to assert that history has amply proven that never has there been a rhyme family unlanced by a leak sooner or later. Shakespeare’s extensive attempts to keep knowledge of his sonnets restricted to his Elizabethan rhyme family was first betrayed in 1598 by Francis Mere in Palladis Tamia. A year younger than Shakespeare, Mere described himself as “Maister of Arte of both Universities” and lauded Shakespeare‘s plays, declaring; “As the soul of Euphorbus was thought to live in Pythagoras so the sweet witty soul of Ovid lives in mellifluous and honey-tongued Shakespeare, witness his Venus and Adonis”.
These comments did not trouble Shakespeare. He had already entered his first poem, Venus and Adonis, into the Stationer’s Registrar, April 18, 1593. His second poem, The Rape of Lucrece, was registered May 9, 1594. Without irony, William Leake, a well-known stationer at the time, obtained the rights to publish Venus and Adonis in 1596, but refrained from publishing it for several years. The reason for this delay remains a mystery. Mere’s betrayal was his reference in Palladis Tamia to Shakespeare’s “sugared Sonnets” which he shared only “among his private friends".
Biron gave voice on behalf of Shakespeare in Love’s Labour’s Lost: IV. ii, “I am betrayed by keeping company with men like men of inconstancy. When shall you see me write a thing in rhyme?” It was noted that Shakespeare was not making any admission of involvement in organized rhyme; nevertheless the challenge was put forth.
Shakespeare’s rhyme schemes were first exposed to the public in 1599. Without authorization, two sonnets were leaked and published in The Passionate Pilgrim. No records exist to describe the breadth, depth and height of hurt and rage that swooneth directly the hearte of The Bard at this personal exposure. Shakespeare declined interviews and spoke only through the proxy voices of the characters in his plays: “Men of few words are the best men". Everything indicated that this was the personal credo of Shakespeare.
Once again Biron spoke up to defend his author: “I do nothing in the world but lie, and lie in my throat. By heaven, I do love: and it hath taught me to rhyme and to be melancholy; and here is part of my rhyme, and here my melancholy.” Shakespeare’s voices were offered up to spin the yarn that he was beyond himself, that other powers drove him to rhyme. King Ferdinand of Navarre also spoke up with a back-handed declaration, “I heard your guilty rhymes, observed your fashion, saw sighs reek from you, noted well your passion.”
Mistress Quickly, a frisky frolic from an Eastcheap tavern, supping a cup too many at Dr Caius’ house, attempted to pass the rhymes off on fairies, “Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme.”
Shakespeare regarded his deeply personal sonnets off limits to the public; they were addressed with unrestrained passion and intense intimacy to a “fair youth” and later to a “dark lady”. Shakespeare was meticulous about concealing the identities of these two accessories in rhyme. Despite all attempts, Shakespeare successfully befuddled the rigorous research of the Oxfordians, who were devoted to discrediting Shakespeare as “bequeathing a doggerel’s breakefaste for all the ages.”
The Federal Bureau of Inspiration, which often collaborates with the Creative Intelligence Anarchy, found that gossip amongst some literatistas suggested Shakespeare had bitextual tendencies and that the fair youth was a boy lover. It is certain that the Poetriarch was smitten by the youth, but evidence of The Bard’s bitextuality remains inconclusive. By contrast, his later sonnets addressed to a dark lady, committed stimulating sex rhymes.
In either case, the “fondling hearte was a-throbbin’ with a clan destinie” outside the marital embrace of the mother of his children, Anne Hathaway. This was likely the prime motive explaining The Bard’s reticence to expose his romantic rhyme spree. There is no evidence indicating that Ms Hathaway got wind of his rhymes; her reaction remains a matter of speculative fiction.
After the brief outing of two Sonnets, the issue of Shakespeare’s organized rhymes remained quiescent for several years. Rhyme Scheme Investigators stitched a scenario from Shakespeare’s characters that may explain this period when a blind eye prevailed.
Shylock announced, “If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" This was followed by Dick speaking out in King Henry the Sixth, Part II (Act IV, Scene II) “The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers". Obviously, Shakespeare was not to be trifled with concerning his rhymes, and the Sonnets remained within the tight embrace of the Elizabethan rhyme family for several more years.
Nevertheless, the “daggers in men’s smiles” glistened again. A large number of Shakespeare’s rhymes were published in 1609, again without authorization. This was a major breech of omerta poetocols of Shakespeare’s concealment activities. This publication was the beginning of establishing him as The Poetriarch of the rhyme fraternity that continues to this day. Nevertheless, attempts at concealment of his rhyme spree continued with varying degrees of success.
Scholars have fingered and theorized the fact that the 1609 edition of his poems was dedicated to “Mr W. H.” as “the only begetter” of the poems. Thomas Thorpe, the publisher, failed to reveal if this dedication was written by himself or by Shakespeare. William Jaggard, had a 20-year involvement with The Poetriarch, printing poems and plays. Marchette Gaylord Chute, in his 1949 study, Shakespeare of London, wrote, “William Jaggard was in general a reputable printer and it was only when he was dealing with Shakespeare’s work that he became at all unethical…”
Shakespeare’s grief at this exposure of his intimate passions was unbearable. Dromio of Syracuse lamented Shakespeare’s pain in The Comedy of Errors: II, ii: “Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season, when in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme.” Shakespeare presented his case best in As You Like It, III, ii, when Rosalind posed the defence’s question, “But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?” and Orlando spoke for The Bard, answering, “Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.”
Shakespeare’s First Folio survived only as a fragmentary copy -- the date of publication lost forever because of a missing title page. The Final Report compared many of these unfortunate happenstances with the Watergate activities of the early 1970’s, in particular, the clumsy explanation of the 18-minute gap of a telephone tape recording of U.S.A. President Richard Nixon’s cover-up activities.
It is certain that Shakespeare wanted his rhyme schemes concealed from the public eye and when this failed, there is sufficient evidence that clumsy attempts had been made to redirect and obfuscate responsibility for the rhymes. Other elements of the Illuminati du jour, who also dabbled in rhyme, ran interference, but ultimately failed in their task.
Samuel Pepys ruthlessly described the 1595 "A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream" as "the most insipid, ridiculous play that I ever saw in my life."
Voltaire stepped into the fracas, asserting that "Shakespeare is a drunken savage with some imagination whose plays please only in London and Canada." If that were not enough, he added that "Shakespeare is the Corneille of London, but everywhere else he is a great fool". This was later divined as inadvertently prophetic, because the Poetriarch of the rhyme family became not just the Corleone of London, but of the imperial Anglosphere.
The spread of The Poetriarch’s omnipoetency eventually morphed into unbridled Bardolatry. In 1769, David Garrick, a renown actor of his time, whose mouth has been “bruisethed all tendermess in the tendril’s of rhyme” of Shakespeare, unveiled a statue in Startford-upon-Avon and read a poem crescending with:
“‘tis he, ‘tis he
The God of our Idolatry”
Rhyme Scheme Investigators found over the centuries that poetry circles and triangles have been praising the Sonnets as a profound meditation on the nature of love, sexual passion, procreation, death, and time and concluded that William (The Bard) Shakespeare continues to be the “Poetriarch of organized rhyme.”
Shakespeare was confident of the everlasting poetency of his organized rhymes; addressing the fair youth of his affections in Sonnet LV, The Bard declared: “Not marble, nor the gilded monuments of princes shall outlive this powerful rhyme.”
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Ezra Levant embodies the truism that FREE SPEECH fits all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Mundane Intelligence 5 arrested Poet Johnstone on an outstanding warrant issued by the Banality Boner Bureaucrazy of Bland Land. The whereabouts of his detention remain a matter of speculative fiction at this time.
In a Declaration of Dreck & Droll issued this morning by the Prosaic Parliament of Bland Land, Poet Johnstone has been charged with “conspiracy to smuggle and distribute chemicals with the purpose of disabling the production of mediocrity."
“The aggressively expansionary policies of the United Imagine Nations must halt. The Imagine Nations are constantly overthrowing the peaceful complacency of the established order with new ideas, new concepts, new precepts, new thisism and neo thatism. Give it a post-retro rest!” declared the Dreck & Droll Declaration.
“We have arrested development of any further sub-verse cursive activity from the Peoples Republic of Poetry, a particularly odious state of mind renown to infect the deepest recesses of human sensibility, inspiring people to rebel against the “status quota.” Poets are always defaming mediocrity, preventing it from entering their precious anthologies and literary journals. They are a Discrimi Nation. This blatant blandophobia must stop.”
Poet Johnstone, second place winner of the 2008 Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s annual literary awards, was reading material from his recent book, The Velocity of Escape, at Yawning Heights, an austere cafeteria in the community centre of Mediocrity Mall when agents from MI5 took him into custody.
MI5 rubber-stamped Poet Johnstone, releasing a greyscale mugshot displaying a piece of ‘compromising evidence’ which appears to be the formula for the velocity of escape written on a napkin that had been “secreted inside the empty barrel of a ballpoint pen” in Poet Johnstone’s lab jacket.
The Poemland Security Department of the Peoples Republic of Poetry immediately issued a purple prose alert to the poetariet, advising of the current danger of travel into the vast arid flatlines of Bland Land.
Poet Edward Nixon, raconteur and host of the Livewords poetry reading series said, “I’ ve collaborated with Poet Johnstone many times in recent years. The charge reeks of set-up. It is stanza operating procedure for Poet Johnstone to have a few nerdy behavioural manifestations. After all, he molests intestinal tracts like a sushi salad in pursuit of his educational ambitions.”
“The Bland Glands have bloated themselves to an explosive extreme.” declared Poet Wally Keeler at a hastily called impress conference. “Their Banality Boners need to stanza down and release Poet Johnstone immediately! There is no need to take their current crisis out on Poetry.”
Poet Keeler was referring to the outbreak of writer’s blockade that has spread through all genres of Bland Land in recent months. This unique drought of mediocrity was especially pernicious in the pulp friction industry, with the closing of several publishers of romance yarns, grocery store tabloids and other sources of crap.
Poet Lionel Kearns reported last week that the vast Clone & Cliché recycling industry had been experiencing a precipitous drop in supplies and was “unable to meet the heavy demand of the bored and brainless.”
Poet Joe Rosenblatt threatened to swarm Bland Land with delirious dithyrambs of business bees. “There are billions of them all over, ready to serve Poetry at the drop of a grain of pollen. Their business is the promiscuous distribution of fertility, and god knows, Bland Land is in need of that.”
Poet Keeler added, “The social sedation of The Bland with a balanced and regular supply of medicinal mediocrity appears to be breaking down in our troublesome neighbour, Stag Nation.”
Poet Keeler continued,“The insufferable boredom caused by chronic reprints, reruns & recycling is causing textonic shifts in the flatline of their general somnambulence. Totalitarian torpor is losing its power. They’ve no creative class providing fresh ideas. They’re fucked.”
A dimmed wit who works for the Band of Bland Glands said Poet Johnstone is accused of leading a team of Pharmaceutical Performance Poets and post-retro deconstructivistas to develop an antithesis-elixer to Write Away, the renown decongestant of writer’s blockade. Poet Johnstone was a member of the team developing the decongestant. The warrant application accused Poet Johnstone of acting in concert with other emerging poets and polluting the River of Rhyme with this antithesis-elixer. The river flows through Limerick Land into Bland Land.
Technical documents released by MI5 assert that the filtration devices installed up stream to retain the most nutritious rhymes from the river had been:
(1) tampered by the installation of typewriter ribbons from Poet Joe Rosenblatt’s early typewriters and that the said ribbons had been
(2) dipped into the nectar of fragrant yellow flowers plucked from the Quinte Hotel poems of Poet Al Purdy and
(3) infected with the in verse ingredients of Write Away
(4) with the purpose of congesting the output of mediocrity from The Bland who rely on the River of Rhyme as a supplementary nutrient to their generally impoverished diet.
The Peoples Republic of Poetry has denied any program exists to contaminate Bland Land with the purpose of shutting down mediocrity. “We are fed up with their scurrilous blanders against Poetry. In an ideal world mediocrity would not exist. Our policy is one of Mutual Cold Exist Stance” declared the Minister With Poetfolio.
The Peoples Republic of Poetry is preparing to review the viability of its outreach programs. The ten-year outreach program sponsored by the Federal Bureau of Inspiration of the Peoples Republic of Poetry is expiring later this year.
The outreach programs of the PRP are meant to attract and identify those with underdeveloped bland glands and to offer them assistance to immigrate to the United Imagine Nation of their choice.
Last spring, the PRP announced the fast-tracking of refugees from Grief and defectors from Despair to become full members of the Creative Class. This provoked a brief dipoematic spat with Bland Land at the time, but nothing more came of it.
“We are cognizant that emerging poets sometimes supplement their income with the export of doggeral to the existing glut in Bland Land. The importation of mediocrity into the Peoples Republic of Poetry is restricted for research purposes and exploitation by collagistas. The trade imbalance with Bland Land will continue,” declared the 366th Interim Report of the Commission On the Causes & Manifestations of Divergent Think Procedure Concerning Dipoematic Relations With The Menace of Mediocrity.
Monday, April 6, 2009
. . . Police in Poettsburg issued a pastel alert for a missing quatrain, last seen yesterday morning in the vicinity of Alliteration Ave and Bryon Blvd. The missing quatrain is the second stanza of a passionate love sonnet being composed by Ms Emily Thickenson for her lover.
. . . The missing quatrain is in cursive hand-writing on unlined desert-beige 20lb bond stationary. The quatrain is on a piece of paper, torn on three sides. It can be identified by the last line, “… loving your blue lies in bluer eyes.”
. . . Ms Thickenson has offered the reward of a three volume-set of pre-Columbian Arctic Erotica for information leading to the whereabouts of the missing quatrain.
. . . In an interview yesterday evening, Ms Thickenson described how she had been sitting on a outdoor bench in the upper best side district of Poettsburg, sorting papers for an upcoming anthology, “when I was swarmed by a swirl of reckless breezes that carried off several loose pages, including the torn pieces. I spent the next half hour recovering everything from the nearby park and field, except the missing quatrain.”
. . . Ms Thickenson’s bff, Ms E. B. Browning, VI, requested that the media be sensitive to Ms Thickenson’s obvious embarrassment about tearing up the sultry sonnet by mistake. Ms Browning VI said “I thought it was the piece of doggeral doo she had written for the bastard who had overcharged her for the half dozen rhyming couplets she told me she had purchased at the Five & Rhyme store the day before."
. . . Ms Thickenson interjected, “My anger got the best of me. I tore up the sonnet in error. I had been composing that sonnet for my lover’s birthday next week.”
. . . She realized her mistake of tearing up the sonnet and placed the pieces between the sheets of her manuscript for safety, but it turned out be for irony when they were tragically wind-napped that morning.
. . . Ms Thickenson’s concerns are deeply personal. She explained, “I was looking forward to go a-roving late into the night with my lover, because my heart is still as loving and the moon remains as bright. My sheath is always resilient; my soul is just as strong. The night was made for loving and I want to sing my song.”
. . . “I’m not a woman who practices safe text; I failed to make copies and I failed to memorize it. I can only recall that portion of the last line, ‘… loving your blue lies in bluer eyes.’ That quatrain means a lot to me, to my man, and to poetry. A lyric lost, lessens us all.”