CHRC SENTENCES RICHARD WARMBUM

The Comedian Humiliation Rights Commission (CHRC) early yesterday morning sentenced chronic complainer and peripheral bureaucrap, Richard Warmbum to an intense six month regimen designed to thicken his skin. Last month the CHRC had found Warmbum guilty of his convictions and sent him to the Creative Rehabilitation and Assessment Program at the Moan, Groan & Gripe Institute for a pre-sentence report.

The report, which the CHRC received late last week, revealed that Warmbum’s skin is thinner than a latex prophylactic made by imprisoned Tibetan dissidents for the Chinese market. “It is so thin raindrops from a light shower would penetrate it," said Douglas Curran, lead researcher of the Extreme Intra Epidermal Investigations Organization (E.I.E.I.O).

“He’s like a predatory bird that can detect prey from enormous distances. Our tests found that Mr Warmbum could detect verbal offence on a flat screen monitor three football fields away. We did a field test on the Toronto transit system where he noticed a spelling error of a racial slur on an iPod screen across the length of a transit bus,” added Mr Curran.

Biographical background checks found primary and secondary school documents indicating that Warmbum had made 911 accusations of textual assault against fellow students, resulting on one occasion with a painful episode of fore-finger tenderitis brought on by excessive finger-pointing. “He was a whiny little brat,” said Charlie Diamond, a teacher at Simile Secondary School, located on the upper east side of Sonnet City. “He was constantly denouncing the sticks-and-stones policy, calling for punishment for every transgressive verb spoken in the schoolyard. He was a terrible little enforcer so it is no wonder he gravitated to the mediocrity mafia.”

“We were always attending to his hurt feelings,” said Mojgan Navidi, vice-principal. “I regarded him as a sociopathetic denouncer. He would have done well in a communist state.”

The pre-sentence report made for “dismal reading,” said CHRC chairpersona, Ms Lynch M. Hye. Warmbum was sentenced to wear the newly developed Bigotry Buster, a modified head-phone programmed to emit white noise in a manner that prevents spoken words from becoming oral friction. The head-phones have been denounced as “dead-phones” by Human Gripes Commissioner, Barb Small.

“They alienate the wearer from the real world of chronic injustice,” she complained this afternoon. “They deaden human sensitivity, thereby preventing uplifting and doubleplusgood communications from prevailing. The world needs more sensitivity to the cruel pain of hurtful degrading screech, not less. These dead-phones serve only to increase the field for holocaustic remarks.”

“The world is governed by too many brutal predatory regimes,” said Ms Hye. “We cannot permit our democrazy to dilute itself to bland-gland pap in which the weakest link becomes the governing characteristic. It would render us virtually defenceless. Father nature’s evolutionary programs have unmerciful methods of dealing with weak links -- discontinuity. Society has a greater need to toughen up Mr Warmbum to endure the slings and arrows of the rough and tumble of life’s daily comedy of errors.”

“The chip that operates the Bigotry Buster contains 1,984 words that trigger white noise to drown out and diminish the likelihood of acute offence,” explained Winston Smith Jr, who peer-headed research into the device. “We borrowed from the intelligence community monitoring international and domestic communications for key words and phrases likely to signal criminal attacks.”

“The device is currently working with a Watch Your Words program in English only,” said Ivan Ivanovitch of the Organization of Oral Offence (OoOO). “The vast majority of serial whiners to assorted human rot commissions in Canada, for example, point to English as the primary carrier of offence. A decontructivist team of verbalists are currently vetting other languages to apply to the Bigotry Buster.”

Peachy Dean, of the Multilingus Kakaphony Klub asserts that any further development of the device to include other languages smacks of racism. “The researchers and facilitators of this device are all Englishers. To include minority languages is nothing more than a means to divert attention from primary offenders and enabling them to continue domination of the pulp friction industry.”

The CHRC is standing firm. “If the Bigotry Buster works, there will be a great cost savings for the imagine nation of the Peoples Republic of Poetry,” said Ms Guided Vettings of the CHRC. “Creativity will flourish if we can roll back the pathetic philosophy of Dean Steacy and his announced disdain for freedom of speech. His underlying bigotry against the United States of America is antithetical to mutual understanding between people and cultures.”

Dean Steacy, a stop investigator for the Canadian Human Rights Commission, responded to a defendant’s lawyer’s questioning by declaring that “Freedom of speech is an American concept and I don’t give it much value.”

Warmbum must wear the Bigotry Buster during waking hours for the next six months to determine if his uber-touchimess to verbal slights of tongue has decreased sufficiently to release him into the wild of free screechers.

He was further sentenced to wear the “chrome faceless shield” developed in the mid-70’s by the Creative Intelligence Anarchy of the Peoples Republic of Poetry. Initially intended to satirize the 10,000th non-person-down-the-hall, those faceless bureaucraps that hide behind thick burqas of procedure, the Poetic Justice Dep’t found that they also diminished perceptive insight. Recent modifications to the faceless shield include the same programs as the Bigotry Buster but applied to visual displays of text.

Ezra Levant, who has become a fulltime respondent to the textual assaults of the word warrior community of the Canadian Human Rights Commissions could not be reached for comment. Kathy Shaidle’s triple-F blog, Five Feet of Fury, a clearing house of English language textual assaults by the mediocrity mafia, was unavailable at press time for comment.

“Most importantly, Mr Warmbum, has not been given any gag order by the Comedian Humiliation Rights Commission,” said Wally Keeler, lead poetician of the Peoples Republic of Poetry. “Freedom of screech is fun&mentally healthy. The sentence given to Warmbum affects only selected sensory inputs, not his output. We don’t support gag goons of any disorder.”

When the CHRC announced that Warmbum was also required to attend a program which develops a thin layer of callous around his heart, Warmbum went full-rage davidberserkowitz, screaming “My heart is a beating fist against my rib cage -- it wants to escape it’s confinement, to clog the throats of hate proselytizers. I hate them. I hate you for desensitizing me to the hate all around us,” He was led away to room 101 for poetic justice.