CHRC PROSCRIBES COMING FOR GOD

The Comedian Human Rights Commission (CHRC) yesterday found Ms Kare Reege guilty of discriminatory behaviour for crying out “Oh God! Oh God!” when she orgasms, thereby offending her Muslim neighbours to such an extent that it has upset the delicate demographic balance of the neighbourhood and caused detrimental effect on housing prices.

The CHRC agreed with the complainant, Imam El-Moh Sayitall, a neighbour of Ms Reege, who charged that the constant cries of “Oh God” had offended Muslim families in the neighbourhood, causing two to move out of the area in recent months. Mr Sayitall, a realtor in his real time, has been unable to resell the abandoned homes to his client-base because of the loud discriminatory behaviour of Ms Reege.

“The respondent has been crying out the name of the Christian deity more often than calls to prayer from a nearby mosque. This vociferous and extravagant expression of orgasmic pleasure has driven two Muslim families to move from the neighbourhood and detrimentally affected the livelihood of the complainant. The respondent had been requested to accommodate to the sensitivities of the Muslim community but declined to seek a balance, asserting that her right to freedom of religion permitted her to cry out her Lord’s name from the rooftops. This may have been acceptable in earlier days when communities were homogenous and sparse, but today’s conditions call for harmonization as a prerequisite for social peace,” said the CHRC report.

Ms Reege argued that she and her same-sex spouse, Ms Suzan Scolde, an avid supporter of the free-wheeling Dykes On Bikes entourage, had been living in the community for over 20 years and never had a problem with neighbours until late last year when Mr Sayitall presented a petition signed by several neighbours complaining about the “discriminatory and invasive-audio act, which had the effect of drowning out the name of Allah so beloved by 1.7 billion Muslims in the world.”

The CHRC requires Ms Reege to attend a 30 day skin-thinning course and to accommodate to the religious sensitivities of her neighbours by crying out “Oh Allah!” as well as “Oh God!" in direct proportion to the religious demographics of the neighbourhood.

Mr Sayitall asserted that this was a reasonable accommodation, “After all, it isn’t like we are requesting she cry out the entire mantra of 'Allahu Akbar' every other breath when she comes. We are sensitive to the needs of her crusader religion. The CHRC is not taking anything away from her -- just requiring she add a new element to her orgasmic repertoire.”

“I have been living in the neighbourhood for five years. Everyone was okay with her weekend orgasms, but early last year, it became a daily occurrence, and happened more often than our mosque’s daily calls to prayer. She was especially vociferous on Fridays; every Friday morning the calls to her Christian God emanated from her back patio. Although the back patio is secluded by tall thick cedars, they don’t filter the wild calls to her God,” explained Mr Sayitall

Ms Susan Scold said she was home when a group of Muslim women approached their home dressed in black hijabs. “They were like a coven of medieval scarecrows from a Shakespearian tragedy. They demanded we restrain our Christian calls pleasure to the times inbetween their five required daily prayers. I told them that they should not interfere with our sexual spontaneity. Love is not a scheduled event. We fuck when we feel.”

“For God’s sake, they presented me with a broken dildo they claimed had been thrown onto their lawn. I had thrown that dildo into the garbage because it was faulty. It was the new Crucifuckion model that I had used when reciting selected Songs of Solomon. What right do they have to rummage through my Christian garbage?"

Ms Reege & Ms Scolde both retired last year from their community service jobs, which provided them with more time to express their pent-up love and desires. "Our retirement years should be protected, not circumspected," added Ms Reege

Local Rabbi, Frankie D. Mantell, said, "The Jewish community would never expect goy gals to cry out 'O Yahweh!' when they come. We believe in diversity, but not imposed diversity. That is why we declined the CHRC’s request to provide a demographic figure of Jews living in the Reege neighbourhood. For heaven’s sake, some of our princesses have been known to cry out ‘Yippie Yahweh’ on the Sabbath. It’s highly embarrassing but should not be a concern of government bureaucraps.”

No Buddhists were found residing within the six block perimeter of the offending Reege household, so the CHRC made no requirement that Ms Reege cry out a proportional Oh Buddha.

Wally Keeler, author of the First Interim Report On the Causes & Manifestations of Divergent Think Procedure of the First Ten Years of the History of the Peoples Republic of Poetry, said that the Creative Intelligence Anarchy of the imagine nation has recently set up Call-of-the-Wild community courses for those who want to separate their orgasmic vocabulary from religion.

Mr Keeler explained that “Orgasm is primal. It is closer to field beasts than to what’s it’s name, God, Allah, or whatever. The Call-of-the-Wild program trains individuals to get in touch with their organic origins by mimicking the come-cries of various animals. We do not discriminate amongst animals. We do not prefer one beast’s come-cry over another. Whatever feels most natural and pleasurable at the moment is all that is required.”

“We have found that women working in the arts sector are inclined towards tiger calls, but there is a growing trend among older women for cougar cries. The imagine nation of the Peoples Republic of Poetry has always advocated that Free Speech, Free Screech, Free Expression is best when released into the wild, rather than confined to the pathetic zoo recommended by government agencies. Poetry is Poetency is our e pluribus unum.”